my birthday was the 15th (sweet 16 finally). On the 14th (as in it was my bday at midnight) my parents got me and my two bestest girls (Lauren and Ursi) a hotel room. First we went to this guy Mikel's bday party (his was the 14th) he just turned 20, and it was kinda boring. so the three of us got X and went back to the hotel room to have a girlie bonding night.

so our friend V (im so paranoid someone i know is going to read this im gunna use initials haha) dropped off 6 clover pills for us (clovers are the tripple stacks), and then was like okay im going to come hang out with you guys. and i was like uhh no. girlie bonding.

and he got all mad and him and his friend drove off.

i was like ahh whatever. so the three of us girlies each took 2 tripple stacks (yeah we're thugs). Then me and Lauren went searching for this team of boys who we'd seen checking in. We were trippin so bad... running all around, searching for ice and water, screaming and dancing and such... so fun.

so we go back to the room after a bit, and we find ursi taking a bubble bath... she says that V called and him and another friend of ours T, have just been driving around since V dropped off the pills. so i give in and say they can come chill.

(((ohhhh and right after that i checked my phone! guess who called twice and left me a messege saying happy birthday like right after midnight? boy #2... the redneck. gahh))))

okay so anyways then V calls back after i say they can come and he asks if boy#2 can come over... and im like oh ok! so those 3 boys come over to the hotel.

and we just had a fun night of back massages and running around and (before the boys got there) yoga in our underwear and running around topless on the balcony.

oh and then i had sex with boy#2. gahhh. but its like top secret cuz hes SORT of back together with his ex. i feel like such a bad person but i was on X and i just cant resist him.

oh and so then the next day (my bday) i went to the fair, and then hung out with some friends at my friend Rachels house. and then i got sick.

and now im still super sick. the doctor says i might have mono (i dont think so though) but i have to wait a week to get tested. my throat hurts soooooooo bad it sucks.

anyways that was my update!!!

My grandpa (Leeds) died yesterday. My dad called me. He sounded horribly giulty at the idea of ruining my last night in new mexico. I would've been mad if he hadn't told me though.

God this blows. I've never lost a family member before. I've never really known anyone who died before... except a boy who I had been in love with, then lost touch with a few years before his death. But wow... I just really lost my ONLY real grandparent. All the others are off in Cali and I rarely see them. Only this one grandpa helped raise me, went to all my plays, soccer and basketball and vollyball games. He was there every holiday. Baked the pumpkin pie for thanksgiving, helped us carve pumpkins for halloween, hid easter baskets around his house for us on easter, sat through out passover saders, and took my family out to dinner every christmas eve...

At least I get to go home today and be with my family... I'm really ready to go back to Oregon.

RIP grandpa.

So right now I'm in new mexico... that's the reason this entry might have lots of bad spelling and punctuation... cuz I'm bloggin via my sidekick3.
Right now Ursi is asleep and I'm just sitting on her couch by myself pretty bored. Were stayin at her grandparents house and I just met them today... so I feel pretty awkward right now.

6 am flights SUCK! We had to wake up at 4... and we didn't fall asleep until 2. No wonder Ursi is taking a nap.

Last night we were talking and I realized how much I miss The Republican. Its sad really because in theory I hate everything about him, but in reality I adore him. Blaaah. I don't really know why. At all. Me and Ursi talked about it for hours last night. I figured out that I reeeeaaallly wanted to just be someone he would confide in and trust. Someone he could let his gaurd down around. But that's never going to happen.

Blah him and the boys went camping today. I wish I had been in town. I wish I was there.

God I'm pathetic.

God I just posted and I realized I forgot to mention how things were with the three boys I talked about in my first entry...


The Ex: I got super drunk the other night (kegger for a friends bday woohoo) and when the cops came to the house we scattered and me and my bff needed a place to crash, so I called the Ex. We went to his house. I end up sleeping in his bed. I let him know this is strictly platonic and I'm only agreeing to sleep in his bed because my friend has taken the couch. He makes a move. I tell him I'm not itrested. The cocky bastard has the balls to tell me "you wouldn't call or text me if you didnt still want me, or you werent attracted to me."
let me state: he is not hot. the other two boys i talk about... yeah their kinda fine in their own ways... but him? yeah there was nevvverr attraction there.
so anyways, I lost my V-card to him back in the day and he thinks this means I looooved him or something. Nope. Just kinda wanted to get it over with. SOooOOoo of course he brings that up. Then my drunk ass tells him I regret ever sleeping with him and blah blah blah...
now he's not speaking to me

Boy number 2: (I'll call him J) hes the sexy 20 year old who I fell for last summer, over a year ago, cant seem to get over, and he was the first man I really loved. Too bad I was just a couple fun nights for him. So anyways after the kegger I was talking about, he hits me up, tells me to come over, and while I'm working out stuff with the whole running-from-the-cops, he passes out. So yeah havent seen him in a while.

Boy number 3: (I'll just refer to him as The Republican... because the fact that he is one shames me beyond all belief for liking him) so anyways, hes a complete pile of shit, 19 years old, 5th year senior (graduated last year), idiot whos not in college, unemployed... and for some reason I adore him. Oh and hes the biggest asshole you will ever meet. SO... his step-sis is a friend of mine and so I was at a party at her house the other night, and he shows up. He'd gotten his nipples peirced. gross. SO the whole night he acts like I'm just to disgusting of a person to even look at or talk too, and so after I drive home (keep in mind that im only 15, only have a learners permit, and was shitfaced beyond all belief, driving my best friends car while she was passed out next to me) I text him to tell him to tell his friend/my friend Vinny to call me. He does, so I send him another text thanking him. For some reason, i got mad because he just texted back "yup". and I was like WOW ASSHOLE because of course I thought he should at least say "no problem" or "sleep well", so i get kind of mad and send him a text thats like "TELL ____ I SAID HI HAHAHAHAHAHA". ___ being his ex-gf who hes kind of getting back together with. don't know why i did that. then i was texting with vinny and was like FUCK I HATE HIM FAG FAG FAG. and im pretty sure he saw that.

so its all gone to hell with all three boys. Lovely.

so thats the boy update.

I am becoming obese. Not kidding. I am actually gaining weight faster than a pregnant woman.
I blame this all on bagels.
who knew that two bagels = one whole loaf of bread? yeah so ive eaten two loaves (sp?) of bread TODAY then. wack.

This sucks. No wonder I cant keep a guys intrest for more than a week. except freaky guys.

I have serrious respect for people who are anorexic now. I mean dont get me wrong, I feel sorry for them, I understand its a disease and its very sad... but WOW the willpower they must have to get on that track... AMAZING.

me? I cant keep my fat ass out of the kitchen for more than three hours if I'm at home.

I realized how fat im getting when I was trying on bras the other day. I needed a new strapless bra so I was in Victoria Secret with a friend. AnYways... all year I was a C-36 and relatively thin... then at the end of the year I discovered that I was now a D. I blamed it on Birth Control... but really it was just that I had gained a good 10 lbs durring sophomore year.
so then, this week, in victoria secret I was trying on strapless bras. Normally I'd get a C for a strapless because your supposed to go a size smaller for strapless to help them stay on. C was way to small. So I tried on a D, no big deal. I asked the saleswomans opinion.. she took a look and ran back out to find me a DOUBLE D.

this made me look down at my stomach. Thats when I noticed all the extra chub I'd been ignoring. Honestly ladies, look at your titties to tell if your getting fat, they always tell. My goal in life is to get skinny enough to be an A. Of course im sure then I would be all sad about being flat... but whatever i'd be fucking skinny.

So anyways i was thinking a lot about being skinny, because my best friends step sister (confusing right?) whos in our grade is the skinniest thing ever. Boys think shes gross because shes so "anorexic" (<-- ps: thats a petpeeve of mine, people who call skinny people anorexic. its an eating disorder not a dress size fuckers). but anyways if you ask me shes got a killer body. okay, a little pre-pubesent looking... and even size 00 jeans are sometimes loose on her... but DAMN i would kill too look like that in a tiny bikini.

I'm really weird about weight personally because I'm already "big" because of how damn tall I am, 5' 11". So I'm already self concious because I weigh more than other girls because of simple body mass statistics. So put a little extra weight on me, and its scary to think of being on-top in bed. you get my drift. especially since I like skinny boys. Thats my deal with weight.

so yeah, starting today im going on a new diet... a.k.a the eat nothing diet. I neeeeed to be thinner in the next month, because i'll be damned if im going to L.A in the end of august with my thighs the size they are.

oh and... this is the hottest pic ever so i had to share... muah. what girl doesnt want this????

I feel pathetic.

I'm making a livejournal, a secret livejournal none the less, so i can have a place to spill my secrets.

I am actually the sadest, most pathetic person I know... and I feel extremely low for doing this. But the fact is... I cant talk to my friends anymore.

Its not that I feel I cant trust them
or that I think they dont want to listen

but I dont feel like the understand at all.

I doubt anyone is going to read this and actually understand... though that would be amazing.

actually I doubt anyone will read this at all.


so heres my story (I am talking to an imaginary audience- oh my god im pathetic)

who i am: tall. pursuasive. cunning. educated. litterate. powerful. lonely. confused. over thinker. obsessive. insomniac. compulsive eater. sarcastic. romantic. loud. half-jewish. deep.

what people see me as: loud. slightly bitchy. confident. "slutty". over reactor. preppy. bossy. funny. loved. popular. great family. spoiled. dumb.


sad huh? I really do come off as a completely different person- dont get me wrong people get some things right- but very few people understand me at all. and nobody understands me completely.

but hey livejournals a pretty big world... so maybe someone will actually empathize with the things I ramble about... or just take the time to try to understand me. :)

some truths about me: I am lonely.
not because I lack for friends, love, or attention from the opposite sex... but because I lack an actually connection with anyone.

even when im out with my best friends- partying, shopping, laying out at the beach- part of me always wishes I could just be alone. to think.

I am too much of a dreamer.
I completely waste my life making up little storys in my mind of how things COULD be...
its sad really. I spend more time imagining myself in those wonderful situations then actually working to get to them.


I have been in love with someone. twice. and both times had my heart smashed to peices.

the only serrious relationship ive been in was with a man I was very NOT in love with.

these three men (serrious relationship-man, and the two i loved) have been the only three men i have slept with.

All three are still in my life.

the three of them cause most of the complications in my life.

so if you choose to read more of my posts... you will come very acustomed to hearing about them.


this post was only background. my next one will be when i am in a mood to share a story or two...